I remember getting my call and everyone and their mother telling me how difficult the wait will be. I've always heard of "opposition before the mission", but I really didn't think it would phase me. After I got my call, I was pumped on life. Ecstatic, to say the least. I felt on top of the world and I felt like nothing could ever tear me down.
Few weeks into fall, I realized how out of place I felt. I let these negative thoughts get into my head.. Thoughts telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm inadequate, I'm weak, and I can't do this. I knew that these thoughts were coming from Satan. He was trying so hard to tear me down, and even at some points, he did. My self esteem was hurt and my confidence was so low. I kept worrying and thinking about myself and how I can be good enough, smart enough, strong, and adequate. Internally, I felt lost, discombobulated, and so frustrated with myself. I had a serious case of the pre mission blues. Satan was just tearing me down left and right and I was not having it..
During this difficult life crisis of mine, I came to an understanding of what I needed to do and what was most important. I needed to take a step back and reevaluate my perspective on everything. I needed to take a step back and stop worrying about myself. I needed to look up to God even more than I was, and I needed to trust him even more that I did. I realized that I was thinking way too much about myself and how to make myself feel better. Nothing really worked until I stopped and lost myself in looking out for others instead. I worked on doing little things for the ones I love around me and as I grew a deeper love for them, I became more aware of what their needs were. Once I was able to understand their needs, I was able to help and to love, and that is what brought me joy. That is what brought me to the point where I found purpose.. I found purpose in service. In love, and relationships. I knew that being here as a pre missionary would be difficult, but in reality, I'm here because God knows that the people around me are people I need to learn and grow from before I leave.
My purpose as a pre missionary is simple.. The time I have right now is to prepare for my mission.
but how does one do that?
I came up with my remedy to any life crisis. Also know as My Top Three.
- to strengthen the relationship I have with God & Christ
- to strengthen the relationships I have with my family, friends, and the people around me
- to increase my gospel knowledge & to solidify my testimony
I have found much joy in focusing on those three things.. and I have realized that this does not only apply to my life as a pre missionary, but it applies to our everyday life as well. The only things that will matter once we are in heaven are those three things.. and those three things are what will bring us eternal and pure happiness. Its true and I’ve come to testify that it is.
I know that I used to feel a lack of purpose.. I used to feel a lack of meaning as I wait to leave on my mission.. but there's so much to do. Wherever you are in life, and wherever you go, there are people left and right, children of God, that need help. There is value and worth and purpose to each life.
To any pre missionary going through a hard time: its easy to get frustrated but don’t.. Don’t let satan get in your head and make you feel like you are not adequate or enough. Don’t let satan get into your head and make you feel like you are less than you are.. Don’t let him make you sad or upset or lonely. because you aren’t. You are never ever alone.. God is truly holding your hand amongst it all.
I pray that as an individual, each of us can strengthen our love for those around us.. I pray that we can strengthen our empathy and understanding of those around us and that we may be receptive to the promptings of the Spirit- so that as disciples of Christ, we can help and serve. I believe that the greatest way to prepare to be a missionary is to start now. Be a missionary right here and right now.. to your friends and your family. To strangers and your co workers. Work hard, and love God. Let go of your troubles & let God take care of you.